My Brain is Turning to Goo

2006-02-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

Thankfully, football season is over. The older I get the less I care for sports.

I basically won't watch television again until August -- which is just as well, because TV fucking sucks. No bigger waste of money in the world -- well, except for those magnet bracelets that are supposed to cure arthritis.

Anyhow . . . business is picking up. Good timing. NFL playoffs end, I get more business. Suits me.

I get to start doin my favorite thing: grinding through work. It's just my style. I enjoy smashing through a pile of work. I don't enjoy sitting through boredom.

I gotta ring some solid maybes into yeses, starting tomorrow. Not my favorite part of doing business, but that's the price of not having a boss whose ass needs kissed.

If you're the boss, you can't bitch. Just get the fuck to work.

2006-02-06T22:02:00.000-08:00

So, Pittsbirgh won the Super Bowl.

For one, I thought I'd be more excited. I'm not. Seattle was a thoroughly underwhelming opponent whose fans still won't shut the fuck up.

There's stupid, and then there's stupid enough to say you were robbed in a game where you allowed your opponent to convert on 3rd and 28 for Christ's fucking sake.

These are people who apparently insist the refs gave Willie Parker rocket skates.

And the refs let Seattle bite on a reverse pass thrown by Randle El.

Yup. There's dumb, and then there's latte sipping dumb.

2006-02-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

Is it impending doom, or are the Steelers just deep in the playoffs?

I hate to say it, but Bill Cowher's teams have shit the bed so many times late in the season that I refuse to believe any of it until the gun has sounded.

Pittsburgh's 3-4 will hold decently against Seattle's run. I could see Shaun Alexander getting 100 yards and Seattle losing.

I am very, very not sold on Matt Hasselbeck. He stinks of something between Neil O'Donnell and Jim Kelly.

I am sold on Ben Roethlisberger. I was sold on him during the fourth quarter of the AFC Championship last year against New England as he kept mounting drives even though the Pats had clearly won the contest. It was impressive.

I am intrigued to see Willie Parker with another chance indoors. Will Seattle key on Willie the way the AFC teams did in the playoffs? After that screen pass for the TD against Cincy, Willie Parker became THE guy to shut down.

How about Heath Miller on Lofa Tatupu?

Mosi Tatupu's kid. Remember, Mosi was on the Pats squad that was brutally ass-raped by the Bears in 85.

I haven't seen a lot of Seattle games, and the ones I did see, I wasn't impressed with Tatupu. He's the defensive equivalent of his dad, as best I can see.

An intriguing thought about Tatupu: all his big stats come when his team is trailing. What does it mean? To me, it sounds like he can't close.

The other horrifying thing was to see how many games Seattle trailed this year. Hmmm. Something to consider in light of their playing in the NFC.

Tatupu didn't record a single sack or interception while his team was ahead or tied. Likewise, easily half his tackles came while his team was trailing (not a surprising stat, given that teams usully run the ball more with a lead, yielding more tackles -- don't forget that Hardy Nickerson's 200 tackle season was on a Bucs team that never had a lead).

Oddly, Tatupu also seems to fade down the stretch in games. Something to ponder.

I don't see Tatupu being Seattle's Polamolu, to be blunt. The media is full of shit on this front. Polamolu ices games. He closes games. He intercepts Mannings.

It ain't there for Tatupu.

I also think Joey Porter is going to get his come-uppance at the hands of Walter Jones. Jones is a rangy, athletic tackle. Porter is going to have to bull rush him to do real damage.

On the other side of the equation, the hidden hero for Pittsburgh is Aaron Smith. While Seattle has wasted a lot of time looking at Porter and Polamolu, they seem to have overlooked the best three man line in pro football (and a hell of a four man line, too, when Porter puts his hand on the ground). Smith, Von Oelhoffen, and Hampton beat the living shit out of other teams. Also, unlike many three man lines, they get penetration and make tackles in the backfield.

And anyone who has missed James Farrior's 2005 season missed a clinic. Farrior is simply amazing when he's on the top of his game. He's a disciplined version of Chad Brown or Kendrell Bell. He's an athletic version of Livan Kirkland. He in the best middle backer Cowher has had -- bar none.

And, Larry Foote deserves some credit, although it's worth noting he gets the joy of playing kamikaze ILB posiiton in a 3-4. Basically, he runs around every where, and is generally the least talented backer in the most masked position.

Clark Haggans -- overrated.

Chris Hope is a hell of a free safety -- especially when you consider he lives on an island while Polamolu attacks the line. Hope doesn't get the credit he deserves for a doing a thankless job while Polamolu gets to be King Cool.

Ike Taylor deserves a nod. Big corners usually haven't performed well under the new rules. And the Steelers platoon at the other corner . . . well . . . I wish Cowher would lett McFadden hold that down. DeShea Townsend scares the shit out me on that corner.

Did I mention I haven't watched much Seattle this year?

Well, I'm not sold Seattle's offense can dismantle Pittsburgh. The Steelers need to accept the reality of Shaun Alendar, and focus on shutting down Hasselbecks receivers.

Hasselbeck is a career mouthy asshole, and I suspect some tight coverage would kill any relationship his does have with a corps of mediocre receivers.

And shit -- Bobby Engram is still playing football. At least someone from that 1995 Penn State undefeated went on to contribute in the NFL (saving, of course, Kerry Collins' contributions to race relations). Of course, Ki-Jana Carter had bum knees -- maybe the Willie Parker plan isn't so bad.

Predictions?

Shit. I hate predicting the Super Bowl.

It's usually a blow-out.

I like Pittsburgh by nine. I could see Seattle sputtering all day to pass and eventually giving up on a successful ground game. Maybe something to the order of Pittsburgh 26, Seattle 17?

If Seattle goes over 20, Pittsburgh will have a hard time winning. The only way I see a huge blow out is if Heath Miller overmatches Tatupu. I haven't seen Tatupu's tape against someone like Shockey, so I'm reluctant.

I'm also quick to add he had one of his biggest games against San Fran -- big fucking deal.

If it gets as bad as the Denver and Indy games, it's because Seattle overcommits to blitzing and Miller goes apeshit and helps Roethlisberger to an MVP game.

I don't see that happening. Homgren plays the chess match better than anyone. Even with inferior personnel.

I like Pittsburgh to go up early, maybe 26-10 at some point in the third quarter.

But, my mind versus my gut tells me something else.

The Super Bowl -- at least those not involving Bill Belicheck or Kurt Warner -- is all about the 2d quarter.

Just generically betting, I'd see Roethlisberger having the best potential for a Doug Williams type second quarter.

Then again, the stat sheet says Tatupu's best quarter is . . .?

I say Seattle goes up 7-0 on an Alexander run in the first.

Pittsburgh responds with a field goal.

Seattle drives, gets stoned, kicks. 10-3.

Roethlisberger has his MVP 2d quarter. Miller makes many big catches. Ward clinches one drive. Willie Parker break a big screen pass, maybe an outside run, also. Willie or Ben runs on in. Another drives stalls. Pittsbrgh goes up 20-10.

Seattle drives, but coughs the ball up.

Pittsburgh claims a field goal before half.

Pittsburgh drives again in the third. 26-10.

Seattle languishes. Several drives abort. Hasselbeck goes apesht. Holmgren starts throwing everything at Pittsburgh. Somewhere around 10:00 left in the fourth, Seattle scores. Big pass to Joe Jurevicius or Darrel Jackson. 41-yarder, to be exact.

Seattle's hopes rise. Holmgren bets the odds, and kicks off trailing by 9. Pittsburgh's O gets a couple downs buts gives it back to Seattle on the 35 after a punt with 5:36 remaining.

Tragedy strikes! Polamolua picks off Hasselbeck.

Seattles stones Pittsburgh again, gets the ball at their 20 after a tocuhback.

Seattle drives to the Pittsburgh forty, but the clock keeps ticking. Four downs and they shit the bed with 1:30 left and all three timeots in hand.

Pittsburgh runs. Gets first down on first play with an offtackle run to Willie Parker.

All hell breaks loose. Worst fight in the history of the Super Bowl after Max Starks accidentally eats Lofa Tatupu.

Pittsburgh runs it. Seattles calls timeouts. Game ends with Pittsburgh in posession.

Ben Roethlisberger becomes the dopiest goober to ever become famous.

The beard curse ends.

2006-02-01T10:17:00.000-08:00

Selling websites sucks balls.

I hate selling shit to people as it is. I don't like getting calls about shit I didn't ask for. On the other hand, statistics indicate that cold calling works.

So, where do you land in that equation?

At the end of the day, I guess you gotta pinch your nose and sell.

2005-12-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

I have way too much time right now.

Two days of posting in a row? WTF[interobang]

Well, football and Jesusmass are coming up here. Good. The AFC playoffs should be absolutely bitchin'. Especially when you figure that the teams that finish outside the bubble in the AFC will be better than the eventual NFC champion.

Consider: San Diego, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, and Kansas City can't all get in. Two will fail to make the playoffs.

Would you bet on Atlanta against San Diego? The Giants against Jacksonville?

This year's Super Bowl will be the easiest bet in history . . . well, beside the San Francisco-San Diego Super Borl in 1995.

This year, it's simple: whoever makes it out of the AFC just HAS to be better than Atlanta and the Giants.

And for the record, no betting on Indy until the prove it. Peyton Manning has choked so many times in the playoffs that his success cannot be treated as a given until he gets it done.

And, if the Pats are around, you gotta count them until they're gone. Especially given Manning's career-long preference for chucking the ball to Partiot defenders. But, on the upside, at least the Raiders won't have to worry about the "tuck rule" conveniently coming into being in mid-game.

My big bet? Pittsburgh.

Why? Because it has become clear that the only way the Steelers can ever win the Super Bowl is by NOT hosting the AFC Championship game. Obviously, the superintelligent alien that lives in Bill Cowher's chin has decided that enough is enough, and that Pittsburgh must be a sleeper team.

As for Cincy . . . if there is a God, a team that gives up more than 30 points to Pittsburgh will not be allowed to move past the first round.

Denver? I dunno. How the hell does a team go so unnoticed nationally and win the #2 seed in the AFC? I'll say this: Mike Shannahan puts his money where his mouth is. After basically saying that NFL runningbacks are cannon fodder and that Dan Marino could be a 2000 yard rusher in his system, Shannahan backed it the fuck up. He trades Clinton Portis and loses Reuben Droughns in free agency, and by God the man makes fucking RON DAYNE -- yeah, Ron Dayne, the guy who I think got kicked off Biggest Loser in week one this year -- into a quality back.

It's time to do it, Shannahan.

Sign Kurt Warner and put him at tailback. When that works, get Marino out of retirement. And when that works, trade for Byron Leftiwch. And when that works, have Bll Parcells put on the pads.

It will work, because a fucking kid with Down's SYndrome and a clubbed foot could be a 1000-yd rusher in Shannahan's system.

2005-12-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

I have no thoughts today.

Goddammit. The one day I finally get that I can sit down and do this blog horseshit, and there isn't a real fucking thing on my mind.

Fucking retarded.

2005-12-21T08:55:00.000-08:00

What have I been doing?

Jesus. I try to start my own web design business and then the damn thing suddenly seems to work. I have to admit, that's unusual as shit in my eyes. I'm not an ass about my life or anything, but it's been my experience that nearly nothing works right away.

Except for this.

I suppose the only people reading this shit are a friend or two (Hi, Bill!) and probably 10,000 or so spammers and web bots, and maybe an asshole from the IRS using a bot to find references to words like work and business to see who they can squeeze.

Anyhow . . . check it out over http://www.procontentanddesign.com

I think we've done some decent work for working in fucking BFE where no one ever wants to pay cash money for anything.

2005-12-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

Blogging's just too hard.

Jesus Christ. How do people work an keep a blog? I have my own business, and Jesus Christ, I can't make time to blog! By the time I'm done taking the 18th call of the day for someone who wants to do work in JANUARY rather than DECEMBER, I just need to chill out.

Blogging about who and what pisses me off doesn't turn that trick for the right price at all.

2005-10-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Two things are pissing me off right now. But, for the moment, I'll stick with the one that requires no pictures.

Web design.

Specifically, the so-called Webby Awards, that seem to be some sort of virtual monument to anti-use navigation.

Anyone familiar with the site "Web Pages That Suck" understands the total war that some intelligent folks are currently waging against loading page, Flash, whirly-gigs, and other bullshit.

Yet, the Webbies seem to be hell-bent on promoting some of the worst practices on some of the least useful sites.

http://www.webbyawards.com/webbys/current.php Take a run thru the 2005 noms and wins.

What really pains me is that these are folks decent enough to run PHP.

Come on! Please! Please can someone unfuck this problem?!

How can people who use PHP also be dumb enough to like Flash? Especially Flash-driven banners and navigation?!

Whirly gigs aren't that important. Look at stuffonmycat.com. Good content -- funny, interesting, etc. -- that's important!!!

The wealthiest website in the world today is Google. And it is also the most useful and the most spartan.

Hmmm . . . Douchebags who make NO MONEY have websites with whirly gigs and Flash. Hmmm . . . The world's most successful internet business to date uses mostly plain text and a quality web app.

Is there a connection?

Take a look through the Webby sites. A lot of them load slow as hell on a broadband connection. Many have mystery meat navigation.

Only the corps draw the damned line. If it weren't for eTrade and Google being on the list, I don't think I'd like any of them.

Every other site has problems running FF, or Flash, or some odd navigation, or some mix of problems. And FUCK those "ENTER" pages!!!!!!

God-fucking-damn-you-to-hell-to-burn-for-eternity!!

I just loaded your fucking website! OF COURSE I WANT TO ENTER!

You dumb motherfucker.

Take a number and line up on the wall. Never mind the gunfire.

2005-09-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmm . . . football.

Mmmmmm . . . dah Stillers won, yins guys.

Hmmmmm... Got my shit done. Got to watch football all day, no bullshit. Fun, fun, fun. Just imagine how awesome chess would be if it had a racial slant and kevlar!!!

Fuck yeah. I guess chess does have a racial slant -- away from negroes. Well, really against all non-Slavs. Slavs. Negroes. Funny entomology with those words, huh? Racial as fuck.

Plus, entomology is easily mistyped as entymology . . . bugs and words. Nothing funny there. Of course, there really isn't all that much funny about chess and slavery. Slavic people aren't funny. And I supposes the hurricane takes the piss out of any racial-but-not-racist argument.

Right now everything's racist.

Of course, it's always been that way. But, perceptually, race only matters when it upsets white people. When white folks are 5x5 about things -- yeah, 5 by 5, there's a fucking whitey term if you'll ever hear one! Black folks would describe shit, because the white man took two away, and their fucking neighbor stole the other three. Five by zero, anyone?

Anyhow.

Race only matters when it upsets white people. Like when white people get all pissy because apparently all the poor whites in New Orleans are camera shy . . . that's it. Camera shy. Well, actually, more likely holed up with firearms awaiting the Mark of the Beast/FBI to come knocking at their flooded doors.

So, you see a bunch of white folks get all shitty because they see all these black faces on something other than Cops or BET or MTV.

"Godammit, Jane! Do you see these negroes on my television!? Not during primetime and not on cable?! Who the fuck allowed this to happen?"

"Oh, fuck, Jim. That was all caused by that guy who was on the TV last year who kept saying 'Jesus, Faith, Freedom' over and over."

"That guy? Fuck me running. He's still around?!"

"So it appears. Told ya to vote."

"I did vote. But the robot with the tocuh screen ate my vote, and I was voting on my lunch break and I just thought it was an accident. I didn't know that over 500,000 negroes would end up on my television before 9 a.m. or I WOULD HAVE BITCHED."

"Well, tough shit now I guess. He didn't let us keep our guns so we could keep our freedom."

"I know, I know. Jesus, Faith . . . Jesus, Faith . . . freedom is for chumps."

"Darn tootin'. So is relief aid, now that ya mention."

"Well, color me chump ASAP if it will get these negroes off my TV and back on to non-threatening sitcoms that allow me to ignore the presence of abject poverty in the world's wealthiest nation."

"Darn tootin'. I'm cuttin' the check to the Red Cross as we speak."

White guilt. Ya dig?

2005-09-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

Blogs plus work just don't mix. Payroll job, plus own work, plus blog works even less.

Anyhow. Hell. I even got some of my own -- personal -- work done today! Yippee!

What is there to say? Websites and database programming and computer repair are not exactly whoo-fucking-hoo work. But . . . pays better than work work and requires less labor.

I suppose that wouldn't bother me half as much without a wannabe Zen master for a boss who doesn't dig that I genuinely could care less what colors shit is supposed to be. Make the fucking background fuschia for all I care -- I'm just doing the fucking database. If my database returns the right results, I could give a fuck less if his web page has piss stains on it!

That's his business. I'm paid to function within my domain. The day I function in his domain is the day I cut the shit and commit myself 100% to my own business. So, encouraging me to intrude on his domain isn't the brightest idea out there.

2005-08-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

Fedora Core is the creeping sickness of Linux.

No question. As I've been testbedding my Linux servers for my CMS system, I've finally been pushed into using Fedora, since it is a sickeningly common distro of Linux.

Now understand me for where I come from: for desktop purposes I like Mandrake, and for anything serverish technical specialrific, I like Slackware.

What bothers me about Fedora is that it is the first Linux distro that stinks of the worst failures of Microsoft. Particularly, Fedora reminds me of how I have to deal with XP: a good OS once I rip half the bullshit services off it.

The front-runner bullshit service, without debate, is motherfuckin' SELinux. A Red Hat-only bright idea, SE Linux basically prevents you from anything. It fucks MySQL up to the point it won't even run. It has to be turned off to run Apache. It has to be turned off to run PHP.

Basically, if you don't plan to just use Firefox, you might as well turn off SELinux.

Doesn't that sound familiarly like the 800 or so services that ship with XP? The ones that do nothing but piss you off until you finally turn them off?

Also, Fedora runs slow as hell. I tossed it on an old AMD K6-2 server (550 MHz, 1 Mb cache, 128 Mb RAM). Now, when it's running as server, all is well. But God forgive you if you need to run the desktop! Because if it ain't goddamned Mahjongg, don't expect it to load this week!

I can run Photoshop effectively on a 500 MHz P3 running Mandrake 10. What the hell is Fedora's excuse?

The only real bright side with Fedora is that the RPM installers work. Everytime. If the RPM package util says it's a bad deal or the wrong dependency, it's dead-on, absolutely right.

That, I have to confess, is the first time I've ever seen a Linux distro get the RPM system right. Every other distro has eventually pissed me off into just DLing the archives and installing shit through the console.

So . . . If you could sneak that kind of dead-on installer into Mandrake, I'd be happy.

Next up: Ubuntu. I hear good things. Then again, I heard good things about Fedora.

2005-08-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

Christ I should type more often.

I have a month worth of repressed blogging sitting here.

Fortunately, I haven't dwelled too much on shit. The news has been boring. Gas prices and that broad in Texas fucking with the Prez.

Big deal.

Gas prices will go up one more time and then finally tame down. That peak will come for winter heating season's start. Once the global-warming-inspired winter proves to be a warm one, the say good-bye to those oil prices.

KEEP POLLUTING. It will work.

Oil will settle down between $45-55 a barrel. I figure it will be closer to $55, because by the time it settles down, $45 bbl would be a mere inflation/Euro adjustment from the $30 or so it was most of Clinton's presidency.

Thanks George for turning the dollar to cat shit.

Just thing, without the tax cuts, the deficit get paid down, the dollar is strong, and even expensive oil would be no more than $50 bbl, and gasoline would be below $2.

Just something to think about, kids.

2005-08-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

Other work:

http://www.comedy6.com Website done for a friend and their comedy troupe down in the DC-area. "Uncle Jim's Comedy 6". There's some funny shit hiding out in here.

Just figured I'd mention it while I was on the subject of things I've been fucking with.

And then of course there have been dead computers, data recovery, and counseling teens and early-20s types who can't get the fucking needle of World of Warcraft out of their fucking arms.

Jesus. World of Warcarft is . . . proof that youth is not wisdom? I have a particular kid I do a fair amount of computer work for him and his family. He's like 20. 22. Something like that. I really should ask sometime.

The only thing he uses his computer for is WoW. He goes home during lunch hour and plays WoW (he only live a mile up the road from work, and he gets an hour). Good think the work computers are all UNIX terminals for inventory and sales!!

Ah. Fuck, someone should just run Doom on them . . .

Anyhow. This kids keeps sinking $50-100 a month into building up a computer to play WoW. He even managed to find a decent-looking thing with a vagina -- yes, a VAGINA!!! -- that plays FUCKING WOW.

There is no God.

2005-08-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

I've been busy.

That's why I haven't posted.

The last three weeks have been balls-to-the-wall working on my content management system, Bedrock CMS. http://www.procontentanddesign.com/cms

Just got done doing the first round of Linux distro integrations and tests. Everything works nice. Very limited problems, especially once ya turn off SELinux for the httpd daemon.

So, it now works nicely on Windows and Linux systems. I've been tweaking the code to make sure it's all working off a single code base. Once you do that, all you have to do is enable the includes on Apache server in order to use it.

Very nice. Very simple.

That's how I want things to be: minimum upkeep. No one wants to be coding a goddamned web server every three fucking days. You want to sit down for maybe an hour, tweak the damned httd.conf file and maybe the php.ini file, and then never have to fuck with the server end ever again, even if a fucking a Category 5 hurricane and a 9.0 earthquake and a terrorist attack all occur simulatenously, blah.

The current version is running on the Windows 2000 Pro server. But, the performance on the Fedora Core 4 server has been impressive enough that I think I might make the move. I have a friend plus some projects in the pipeline sitting on my server, so I'll have to testbed all their shit on the Linux server before I try that.

On the whole, Fedora Core hasn't been a royal pain in the ass. Most Linux distros aren't.

Maybe I'll fuck with a BSD deployment, or a Mac OSX deployment.

I still need to work on an article-generation front-end for the CMS, so that users can just plug their shit in fully formatted, with no risk of bad formatting.

Eh. Meow.

2005-07-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Windows_Blackcomb

Now that MS officially christened the Longhorn development branch commercially as "Vista", we must begin forgetting about it.

Vista, anyhow, is Swahili for "XP version of ME".

Supposedly, the Blackcomb features, particularly the WinFS file system, are supposed to be hacked into Vista. It will be interesting if this is done along the lines that USB support went into Windows 95b or if it will be along the lines of how a Windows 2000 Home Edition using NTFS just became a piss-poor buttfuck release called Windows ME, that was slapped together fast enough to bullshit the public and OEMs into buying it.

My money says that WinFS dies althogether.

The searchability of WinFS should be easy to implement. Look at how seemlessly it already appears in Mac OS X, or Be OS. And fuck, OS X is a jury-rigged UNIX system, running on a core that is so fucking old it actually ran on systems that didn't have integrated circuits in them.

But, MS, lest we forget, has never designed a real file system of its own. Both FAT and NTFS are originally IBM's doing. Come to think of it, isn't the 32-bit OS from the MS-IBM alliance days that produced OS/2? Multitasking? Real time OS?

Jeepers. MS really hasn't done jackshit with Windows.

Come to think of it, isn't Windows 2000/XP/2003 just a prettied up, updated application of the original code and ideas behind OS/2?

Goddamn.

Just think, if everyone else had licensed their OS to third party manufacturers, we wouldn't have to deal with MS. Instead, the Orwellian dumbfucks at Apple kept their OS and their hardware incetuously married.

May I reiterate: Steve Jobs is fucking weirdo asshole who deserves utterly no credit for anything that ever happened in computing.

MS is proof that a good business model is better than a good product.

For a while . . .

Watch as Vista and Blackcomb expose the limitations of this approach.

Too bad Linux is being babysat by retards who've turned Linux into something resembling what Homer had in the Simpsons episode where he mixes a giant wad of cotton candy with caramel and lives with it day-in and day-out until it tells him to kill Marge.

Maybe Sun or the more recent incarnation of BeOS will jump in there and steal some market share.

Better yet, maybe Apple's x86 version of OS X, the Darwin branch, will finally be licensed to third party vendors! Haha! That would be gorgeous.

I crave the day I can run OSX on an Athlon 64. But, I also know that Apple is being run by closed-minded perverts. Therefore, I offer no hope until I see it done.

It will be interesting to see if Vista overtakes XP, much as XP overtook 98, or if Vista becomes the next ME, a glittering badge of stupidity for people dumb enough to believe it was actually better than 98.

2005-07-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's hard to feel good about America when this is what passes for "presidential".

Christ. This idiot makes the strangest expressions for a man who could have the entire planet turned to beeded glass in about 45 minutes.

2005-07-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_hamster

Save the super hamster!!!

Please?! Will someone think of the super hamsters?

2005-07-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

I can't breakdance. I don't have a mullet. I didn't vote for Reagan. Not once did I do cocaine.

Barf the Mog feels he was iconified in the wrong decade.

2005-07-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Barf the mog hates plagiarism.

That's why Barf believes George Lucas should be shot. Years after Spaceballs was made, Star Wars Episode I stole a plot point. Yes, that's right: Star Wars stole from Spaceballs, not the other way around.

Don't believe me? Consider this:

From Spaceballs: "You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!"

That same plot point is used in Phantom Menace, when Queen Amadala's double is captured (played by the breast-deprived Keira Knightley).

Hahaha. That's fine.

What I don't understand is why Episode III needed to steal the megamaid, also. Didn't they already have some super killer machine?

Go figure. Not as bad though as when in Episode II the clone soldiers are combing the desert with a gigantic novelty comb.

Sad, really. It's bad enough Lucas ruins his own work; why ruin others'?

2005-07-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

Call the surrender monkey hotline today at 1.800.I.SURRENDER.

2005-07-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am Barf, the Mog. See the image below.

I suppose the first question to be addressed is, should a Mog blogging have a term for it, like video blogging be called a vlog.

The answer is: not really.

A "mlog" sounds like something I left in the toilet. I once left a mlog in a toilet, and the toilet didn't work for two weeks after that.

So, if you need to deal with the whole Mog blogging thing, call it that.

2005-07-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

For the forseeable future, My Brain is Turning to Goo will feature occassional guest blogger Barf, the Mog.

You may recall Barf from the feature film Spaceballs.

If not, then fuck you.

2005-07-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

I gotta quit using Yahoo. These ads are annoying as shit.

Funny, tho. I was reading the Arab English-language version of Yahoo and came across this version:

Apparently marketing is a universal language. And, if we haven't learned anything else, it has to be that pussy sells the world round. Even if you put a goddamned drop cloth on it and tell it that it counts as one half of a human being.

2005-07-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

I think I finally figured out why black pro athletes NEVER smile!

Consider the following:

Now just try to get past the fact that this bitch is actually trying to catch her best light while at a press conference where he husband admits he indiscriminately bones pretty much anything that has a hole and a consistent temperature between 90 and 105 degrees F.

Look at the water bottle. Look at the label, turned out to ensure that the label is clearly read when a photo is taken from the best angle.

Now, in an ideal world, the picture on the right would be no big deal. Everyone would shrug, and say, "Sure, Al Martin is just a lovable guy, and goddammit he deserves all the hot Latina pussy and bottled water endorsements he can get."

But, that ain't how it works, bub.

The fact becomes abundantly clear when comparing these two images: black athletes don't smile because they're afraid they'll look like Al Martin . . .

No Aquafina endorsement for the damamged kid. No hot Latina pussy. Nothing.

Al Martin got to be considered a good contributor on a bad baseball team. Kobe Bryant gets to be considered a superstar on a team that won multiple championships.

Black athletes simply can't risk smiling, for fear they'll look like someone's mentally retarded brother.

Sure, it doesn't explain why black people can't swim (ever seen a black person in the Olympic swimming competitions?). Then again, that's an easy one: have you seen the water in Africa? Yeah. No one would swim in that shit. So, evolution just stole the swimming gene from black folks.

But, let me say it today: we as a people -- people of the whole human race -- have a goal. A goal bigger than putting a man on the moon.

We must, within twenty years, put a black man on the medal stand for swimming at the Olympics.

And when he receives that medal -- even if it is just a fucking bronze medal, you picky, non-supportive fucks -- he's gonna have a big, dumb grin, that looks a lot like this: