Thankfully, football season is over. The older I get the less I care for sports.

I basically won't watch television again until August -- which is just as well, because TV fucking sucks. No bigger waste of money in the world -- well, except for those magnet bracelets that are supposed to cure arthritis.

Anyhow . . . business is picking up. Good timing. NFL playoffs end, I get more business. Suits me.

I get to start doin my favorite thing: grinding through work. It's just my style. I enjoy smashing through a pile of work. I don't enjoy sitting through boredom.

I gotta ring some solid maybes into yeses, starting tomorrow. Not my favorite part of doing business, but that's the price of not having a boss whose ass needs kissed.

If you're the boss, you can't bitch. Just get the fuck to work.

So, Pittsbirgh won the Super Bowl.

For one, I thought I'd be more excited. I'm not. Seattle was a thoroughly underwhelming opponent whose fans still won't shut the fuck up.

There's stupid, and then there's stupid enough to say you were robbed in a game where you allowed your opponent to convert on 3rd and 28 for Christ's fucking sake.

These are people who apparently insist the refs gave Willie Parker rocket skates.

And the refs let Seattle bite on a reverse pass thrown by Randle El.

Yup. There's dumb, and then there's latte sipping dumb.

Is it impending doom, or are the Steelers just deep in the playoffs?

I hate to say it, but Bill Cowher's teams have shit the bed so many times late in the season that I refuse to believe any of it until the gun has sounded.

Pittsburgh's 3-4 will hold decently against Seattle's run. I could see Shaun Alexander getting 100 yards and Seattle losing.

I am very, very not sold on Matt Hasselbeck. He stinks of something between Neil O'Donnell and Jim Kelly.

I am sold on Ben Roethlisberger. I was sold on him during the fourth quarter of the AFC Championship last year against New England as he kept mounting drives even though the Pats had clearly won the contest. It was impressive.

I am intrigued to see Willie Parker with another chance indoors. Will Seattle key on Willie the way the AFC teams did in the playoffs? After that screen pass for the TD against Cincy, Willie Parker became THE guy to shut down.

How about Heath Miller on Lofa Tatupu?

Mosi Tatupu's kid. Remember, Mosi was on the Pats squad that was brutally ass-raped by the Bears in 85.

I haven't seen a lot of Seattle games, and the ones I did see, I wasn't impressed with Tatupu. He's the defensive equivalent of his dad, as best I can see.

An intriguing thought about Tatupu: all his big stats come when his team is trailing. What does it mean? To me, it sounds like he can't close.

The other horrifying thing was to see how many games Seattle trailed this year. Hmmm. Something to consider in light of their playing in the NFC.

Tatupu didn't record a single sack or interception while his team was ahead or tied. Likewise, easily half his tackles came while his team was trailing (not a surprising stat, given that teams usully run the ball more with a lead, yielding more tackles -- don't forget that Hardy Nickerson's 200 tackle season was on a Bucs team that never had a lead).

Oddly, Tatupu also seems to fade down the stretch in games. Something to ponder.

I don't see Tatupu being Seattle's Polamolu, to be blunt. The media is full of shit on this front. Polamolu ices games. He closes games. He intercepts Mannings.

It ain't there for Tatupu.

I also think Joey Porter is going to get his come-uppance at the hands of Walter Jones. Jones is a rangy, athletic tackle. Porter is going to have to bull rush him to do real damage.

On the other side of the equation, the hidden hero for Pittsburgh is Aaron Smith. While Seattle has wasted a lot of time looking at Porter and Polamolu, they seem to have overlooked the best three man line in pro football (and a hell of a four man line, too, when Porter puts his hand on the ground). Smith, Von Oelhoffen, and Hampton beat the living shit out of other teams. Also, unlike many three man lines, they get penetration and make tackles in the backfield.

And anyone who has missed James Farrior's 2005 season missed a clinic. Farrior is simply amazing when he's on the top of his game. He's a disciplined version of Chad Brown or Kendrell Bell. He's an athletic version of Livan Kirkland. He in the best middle backer Cowher has had -- bar none.

And, Larry Foote deserves some credit, although it's worth noting he gets the joy of playing kamikaze ILB posiiton in a 3-4. Basically, he runs around every where, and is generally the least talented backer in the most masked position.

Clark Haggans -- overrated.

Chris Hope is a hell of a free safety -- especially when you consider he lives on an island while Polamolu attacks the line. Hope doesn't get the credit he deserves for a doing a thankless job while Polamolu gets to be King Cool.

Ike Taylor deserves a nod. Big corners usually haven't performed well under the new rules. And the Steelers platoon at the other corner . . . well . . . I wish Cowher would lett McFadden hold that down. DeShea Townsend scares the shit out me on that corner.

Did I mention I haven't watched much Seattle this year?

Well, I'm not sold Seattle's offense can dismantle Pittsburgh. The Steelers need to accept the reality of Shaun Alendar, and focus on shutting down Hasselbecks receivers.

Hasselbeck is a career mouthy asshole, and I suspect some tight coverage would kill any relationship his does have with a corps of mediocre receivers.

And shit -- Bobby Engram is still playing football. At least someone from that 1995 Penn State undefeated went on to contribute in the NFL (saving, of course, Kerry Collins' contributions to race relations). Of course, Ki-Jana Carter had bum knees -- maybe the Willie Parker plan isn't so bad.

Predictions?

Shit. I hate predicting the Super Bowl.

It's usually a blow-out.

I like Pittsburgh by nine. I could see Seattle sputtering all day to pass and eventually giving up on a successful ground game. Maybe something to the order of Pittsburgh 26, Seattle 17?

If Seattle goes over 20, Pittsburgh will have a hard time winning. The only way I see a huge blow out is if Heath Miller overmatches Tatupu. I haven't seen Tatupu's tape against someone like Shockey, so I'm reluctant.

I'm also quick to add he had one of his biggest games against San Fran -- big fucking deal.

If it gets as bad as the Denver and Indy games, it's because Seattle overcommits to blitzing and Miller goes apeshit and helps Roethlisberger to an MVP game.

I don't see that happening. Homgren plays the chess match better than anyone. Even with inferior personnel.

I like Pittsburgh to go up early, maybe 26-10 at some point in the third quarter.

But, my mind versus my gut tells me something else.

The Super Bowl -- at least those not involving Bill Belicheck or Kurt Warner -- is all about the 2d quarter.

Just generically betting, I'd see Roethlisberger having the best potential for a Doug Williams type second quarter.

Then again, the stat sheet says Tatupu's best quarter is . . .?

I say Seattle goes up 7-0 on an Alexander run in the first.

Pittsburgh responds with a field goal.

Seattle drives, gets stoned, kicks. 10-3.

Roethlisberger has his MVP 2d quarter. Miller makes many big catches. Ward clinches one drive. Willie Parker break a big screen pass, maybe an outside run, also. Willie or Ben runs on in. Another drives stalls. Pittsbrgh goes up 20-10.

Seattle drives, but coughs the ball up.

Pittsburgh claims a field goal before half.

Pittsburgh drives again in the third. 26-10.

Seattle languishes. Several drives abort. Hasselbeck goes apesht. Holmgren starts throwing everything at Pittsburgh. Somewhere around 10:00 left in the fourth, Seattle scores. Big pass to Joe Jurevicius or Darrel Jackson. 41-yarder, to be exact.

Seattle's hopes rise. Holmgren bets the odds, and kicks off trailing by 9. Pittsburgh's O gets a couple downs buts gives it back to Seattle on the 35 after a punt with 5:36 remaining.

Tragedy strikes! Polamolua picks off Hasselbeck.

Seattles stones Pittsburgh again, gets the ball at their 20 after a tocuhback.

Seattle drives to the Pittsburgh forty, but the clock keeps ticking. Four downs and they shit the bed with 1:30 left and all three timeots in hand.

Pittsburgh runs. Gets first down on first play with an offtackle run to Willie Parker.

All hell breaks loose. Worst fight in the history of the Super Bowl after Max Starks accidentally eats Lofa Tatupu.

Pittsburgh runs it. Seattles calls timeouts. Game ends with Pittsburgh in posession.

Ben Roethlisberger becomes the dopiest goober to ever become famous.

The beard curse ends.

Selling websites sucks balls.

I hate selling shit to people as it is. I don't like getting calls about shit I didn't ask for. On the other hand, statistics indicate that cold calling works.

So, where do you land in that equation?

At the end of the day, I guess you gotta pinch your nose and sell.

I have way too much time right now.

Two days of posting in a row? WTF[interobang]

Well, football and Jesusmass are coming up here. Good. The AFC playoffs should be absolutely bitchin'. Especially when you figure that the teams that finish outside the bubble in the AFC will be better than the eventual NFC champion.

Consider: San Diego, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, and Kansas City can't all get in. Two will fail to make the playoffs.

Would you bet on Atlanta against San Diego? The Giants against Jacksonville?

This year's Super Bowl will be the easiest bet in history . . . well, beside the San Francisco-San Diego Super Borl in 1995.

This year, it's simple: whoever makes it out of the AFC just HAS to be better than Atlanta and the Giants.

And for the record, no betting on Indy until the prove it. Peyton Manning has choked so many times in the playoffs that his success cannot be treated as a given until he gets it done.

And, if the Pats are around, you gotta count them until they're gone. Especially given Manning's career-long preference for chucking the ball to Partiot defenders. But, on the upside, at least the Raiders won't have to worry about the "tuck rule" conveniently coming into being in mid-game.

My big bet? Pittsburgh.

Why? Because it has become clear that the only way the Steelers can ever win the Super Bowl is by NOT hosting the AFC Championship game. Obviously, the superintelligent alien that lives in Bill Cowher's chin has decided that enough is enough, and that Pittsburgh must be a sleeper team.

As for Cincy . . . if there is a God, a team that gives up more than 30 points to Pittsburgh will not be allowed to move past the first round.

Denver? I dunno. How the hell does a team go so unnoticed nationally and win the #2 seed in the AFC? I'll say this: Mike Shannahan puts his money where his mouth is. After basically saying that NFL runningbacks are cannon fodder and that Dan Marino could be a 2000 yard rusher in his system, Shannahan backed it the fuck up. He trades Clinton Portis and loses Reuben Droughns in free agency, and by God the man makes fucking RON DAYNE -- yeah, Ron Dayne, the guy who I think got kicked off Biggest Loser in week one this year -- into a quality back.

It's time to do it, Shannahan.

Sign Kurt Warner and put him at tailback. When that works, get Marino out of retirement. And when that works, trade for Byron Leftiwch. And when that works, have Bll Parcells put on the pads.

It will work, because a fucking kid with Down's SYndrome and a clubbed foot could be a 1000-yd rusher in Shannahan's system.

I have no thoughts today.

Goddammit. The one day I finally get that I can sit down and do this blog horseshit, and there isn't a real fucking thing on my mind.

Fucking retarded.

What have I been doing?

Jesus. I try to start my own web design business and then the damn thing suddenly seems to work. I have to admit, that's unusual as shit in my eyes. I'm not an ass about my life or anything, but it's been my experience that nearly nothing works right away.

Except for this.

I suppose the only people reading this shit are a friend or two (Hi, Bill!) and probably 10,000 or so spammers and web bots, and maybe an asshole from the IRS using a bot to find references to words like work and business to see who they can squeeze.

Anyhow . . . check it out over http://www.procontentanddesign.com

I think we've done some decent work for working in fucking BFE where no one ever wants to pay cash money for anything.

Blogging's just too hard.

Jesus Christ. How do people work an keep a blog? I have my own business, and Jesus Christ, I can't make time to blog! By the time I'm done taking the 18th call of the day for someone who wants to do work in JANUARY rather than DECEMBER, I just need to chill out.

Blogging about who and what pisses me off doesn't turn that trick for the right price at all.

Two things are pissing me off right now. But, for the moment, I'll stick with the one that requires no pictures.

Web design.

Specifically, the so-called Webby Awards, that seem to be some sort of virtual monument to anti-use navigation.

Anyone familiar with the site "Web Pages That Suck" understands the total war that some intelligent folks are currently waging against loading page, Flash, whirly-gigs, and other bullshit.

Yet, the Webbies seem to be hell-bent on promoting some of the worst practices on some of the least useful sites.

http://www.webbyawards.com/webbys/current.php Take a run thru the 2005 noms and wins.

What really pains me is that these are folks decent enough to run PHP.

Come on! Please! Please can someone unfuck this problem?!

How can people who use PHP also be dumb enough to like Flash? Especially Flash-driven banners and navigation?!

Whirly gigs aren't that important. Look at stuffonmycat.com. Good content -- funny, interesting, etc. -- that's important!!!

The wealthiest website in the world today is Google. And it is also the most useful and the most spartan.

Hmmm . . . Douchebags who make NO MONEY have websites with whirly gigs and Flash. Hmmm . . . The world's most successful internet business to date uses mostly plain text and a quality web app.

Is there a connection?

Take a look through the Webby sites. A lot of them load slow as hell on a broadband connection. Many have mystery meat navigation.

Only the corps draw the damned line. If it weren't for eTrade and Google being on the list, I don't think I'd like any of them.

Every other site has problems running FF, or Flash, or some odd navigation, or some mix of problems. And FUCK those "ENTER" pages!!!!!!

God-fucking-damn-you-to-hell-to-burn-for-eternity!!

I just loaded your fucking website! OF COURSE I WANT TO ENTER!

You dumb motherfucker.

Take a number and line up on the wall. Never mind the gunfire.

Mmmmmm . . . football.

Mmmmmm . . . dah Stillers won, yins guys.

Hmmmmm... Got my shit done. Got to watch football all day, no bullshit. Fun, fun, fun. Just imagine how awesome chess would be if it had a racial slant and kevlar!!!

Fuck yeah. I guess chess does have a racial slant -- away from negroes. Well, really against all non-Slavs. Slavs. Negroes. Funny entomology with those words, huh? Racial as fuck.

Plus, entomology is easily mistyped as entymology . . . bugs and words. Nothing funny there. Of course, there really isn't all that much funny about chess and slavery. Slavic people aren't funny. And I supposes the hurricane takes the piss out of any racial-but-not-racist argument.

Right now everything's racist.

Of course, it's always been that way. But, perceptually, race only matters when it upsets white people. When white folks are 5x5 about things -- yeah, 5 by 5, there's a fucking whitey term if you'll ever hear one! Black folks would describe shit, because the white man took two away, and their fucking neighbor stole the other three. Five by zero, anyone?

Anyhow.

Race only matters when it upsets white people. Like when white people get all pissy because apparently all the poor whites in New Orleans are camera shy . . . that's it. Camera shy. Well, actually, more likely holed up with firearms awaiting the Mark of the Beast/FBI to come knocking at their flooded doors.

So, you see a bunch of white folks get all shitty because they see all these black faces on something other than Cops or BET or MTV.

"Godammit, Jane! Do you see these negroes on my television!? Not during primetime and not on cable?! Who the fuck allowed this to happen?"

"Oh, fuck, Jim. That was all caused by that guy who was on the TV last year who kept saying 'Jesus, Faith, Freedom' over and over."

"That guy? Fuck me running. He's still around?!"

"So it appears. Told ya to vote."

"I did vote. But the robot with the tocuh screen ate my vote, and I was voting on my lunch break and I just thought it was an accident. I didn't know that over 500,000 negroes would end up on my television before 9 a.m. or I WOULD HAVE BITCHED."

"Well, tough shit now I guess. He didn't let us keep our guns so we could keep our freedom."

"I know, I know. Jesus, Faith . . . Jesus, Faith . . . freedom is for chumps."

"Darn tootin'. So is relief aid, now that ya mention."

"Well, color me chump ASAP if it will get these negroes off my TV and back on to non-threatening sitcoms that allow me to ignore the presence of abject poverty in the world's wealthiest nation."

"Darn tootin'. I'm cuttin' the check to the Red Cross as we speak."

White guilt. Ya dig?

Blogs plus work just don't mix. Payroll job, plus own work, plus blog works even less.

Anyhow. Hell. I even got some of my own -- personal -- work done today! Yippee!

What is there to say? Websites and database programming and computer repair are not exactly whoo-fucking-hoo work. But . . . pays better than work work and requires less labor.

I suppose that wouldn't bother me half as much without a wannabe Zen master for a boss who doesn't dig that I genuinely could care less what colors shit is supposed to be. Make the fucking background fuschia for all I care -- I'm just doing the fucking database. If my database returns the right results, I could give a fuck less if his web page has piss stains on it!

That's his business. I'm paid to function within my domain. The day I function in his domain is the day I cut the shit and commit myself 100% to my own business. So, encouraging me to intrude on his domain isn't the brightest idea out there.

Fedora Core is the creeping sickness of Linux.

No question. As I've been testbedding my Linux servers for my CMS system, I've finally been pushed into using Fedora, since it is a sickeningly common distro of Linux.

Now understand me for where I come from: for desktop purposes I like Mandrake, and for anything serverish technical specialrific, I like Slackware.

What bothers me about Fedora is that it is the first Linux distro that stinks of the worst failures of Microsoft. Particularly, Fedora reminds me of how I have to deal with XP: a good OS once I rip half the bullshit services off it.

The front-runner bullshit service, without debate, is motherfuckin' SELinux. A Red Hat-only bright idea, SE Linux basically prevents you from anything. It fucks MySQL up to the point it won't even run. It has to be turned off to run Apache. It has to be turned off to run PHP.

Basically, if you don't plan to just use Firefox, you might as well turn off SELinux.

Doesn't that sound familiarly like the 800 or so services that ship with XP? The ones that do nothing but piss you off until you finally turn them off?

Also, Fedora runs slow as hell. I tossed it on an old AMD K6-2 server (550 MHz, 1 Mb cache, 128 Mb RAM). Now, when it's running as server, all is well. But God forgive you if you need to run the desktop! Because if it ain't goddamned Mahjongg, don't expect it to load this week!

I can run Photoshop effectively on a 500 MHz P3 running Mandrake 10. What the hell is Fedora's excuse?

The only real bright side with Fedora is that the RPM installers work. Everytime. If the RPM package util says it's a bad deal or the wrong dependency, it's dead-on, absolutely right.

That, I have to confess, is the first time I've ever seen a Linux distro get the RPM system right. Every other distro has eventually pissed me off into just DLing the archives and installing shit through the console.

So . . . If you could sneak that kind of dead-on installer into Mandrake, I'd be happy.

Next up: Ubuntu. I hear good things. Then again, I heard good things about Fedora.

Christ I should type more often.

I have a month worth of repressed blogging sitting here.

Fortunately, I haven't dwelled too much on shit. The news has been boring. Gas prices and that broad in Texas fucking with the Prez.

Big deal.

Gas prices will go up one more time and then finally tame down. That peak will come for winter heating season's start. Once the global-warming-inspired winter proves to be a warm one, the say good-bye to those oil prices.

KEEP POLLUTING. It will work.

Oil will settle down between $45-55 a barrel. I figure it will be closer to $55, because by the time it settles down, $45 bbl would be a mere inflation/Euro adjustment from the $30 or so it was most of Clinton's presidency.

Thanks George for turning the dollar to cat shit.

Just thing, without the tax cuts, the deficit get paid down, the dollar is strong, and even expensive oil would be no more than $50 bbl, and gasoline would be below $2.

Just something to think about, kids.

Other work:

http://www.comedy6.com Website done for a friend and their comedy troupe down in the DC-area. "Uncle Jim's Comedy 6". There's some funny shit hiding out in here.

Just figured I'd mention it while I was on the subject of things I've been fucking with.

And then of course there have been dead computers, data recovery, and counseling teens and early-20s types who can't get the fucking needle of World of Warcraft out of their fucking arms.

Jesus. World of Warcarft is . . . proof that youth is not wisdom? I have a particular kid I do a fair amount of computer work for him and his family. He's like 20. 22. Something like that. I really should ask sometime.

The only thing he uses his computer for is WoW. He goes home during lunch hour and plays WoW (he only live a mile up the road from work, and he gets an hour). Good think the work computers are all UNIX terminals for inventory and sales!!

Ah. Fuck, someone should just run Doom on them . . .

Anyhow. This kids keeps sinking $50-100 a month into building up a computer to play WoW. He even managed to find a decent-looking thing with a vagina -- yes, a VAGINA!!! -- that plays FUCKING WOW.

There is no God.

I've been busy.

That's why I haven't posted.

The last three weeks have been balls-to-the-wall working on my content management system, Bedrock CMS. http://www.procontentanddesign.com/cms

Just got done doing the first round of Linux distro integrations and tests. Everything works nice. Very limited problems, especially once ya turn off SELinux for the httpd daemon.

So, it now works nicely on Windows and Linux systems. I've been tweaking the code to make sure it's all working off a single code base. Once you do that, all you have to do is enable the includes on Apache server in order to use it.

Very nice. Very simple.

That's how I want things to be: minimum upkeep. No one wants to be coding a goddamned web server every three fucking days. You want to sit down for maybe an hour, tweak the damned httd.conf file and maybe the php.ini file, and then never have to fuck with the server end ever again, even if a fucking a Category 5 hurricane and a 9.0 earthquake and a terrorist attack all occur simulatenously, blah.

The current version is running on the Windows 2000 Pro server. But, the performance on the Fedora Core 4 server has been impressive enough that I think I might make the move. I have a friend plus some projects in the pipeline sitting on my server, so I'll have to testbed all their shit on the Linux server before I try that.

On the whole, Fedora Core hasn't been a royal pain in the ass. Most Linux distros aren't.

Maybe I'll fuck with a BSD deployment, or a Mac OSX deployment.

I still need to work on an article-generation front-end for the CMS, so that users can just plug their shit in fully formatted, with no risk of bad formatting.

Eh. Meow.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Windows_Blackcomb

Now that MS officially christened the Longhorn development branch commercially as "Vista", we must begin forgetting about it.

Vista, anyhow, is Swahili for "XP version of ME".

Supposedly, the Blackcomb features, particularly the WinFS file system, are supposed to be hacked into Vista. It will be interesting if this is done along the lines that USB support went into Windows 95b or if it will be along the lines of how a Windows 2000 Home Edition using NTFS just became a piss-poor buttfuck release called Windows ME, that was slapped together fast enough to bullshit the public and OEMs into buying it.

My money says that WinFS dies althogether.

The searchability of WinFS should be easy to implement. Look at how seemlessly it already appears in Mac OS X, or Be OS. And fuck, OS X is a jury-rigged UNIX system, running on a core that is so fucking old it actually ran on systems that didn't have integrated circuits in them.

But, MS, lest we forget, has never designed a real file system of its own. Both FAT and NTFS are originally IBM's doing. Come to think of it, isn't the 32-bit OS from the MS-IBM alliance days that produced OS/2? Multitasking? Real time OS?

Jeepers. MS really hasn't done jackshit with Windows.

Come to think of it, isn't Windows 2000/XP/2003 just a prettied up, updated application of the original code and ideas behind OS/2?

Goddamn.

Just think, if everyone else had licensed their OS to third party manufacturers, we wouldn't have to deal with MS. Instead, the Orwellian dumbfucks at Apple kept their OS and their hardware incetuously married.

May I reiterate: Steve Jobs is fucking weirdo asshole who deserves utterly no credit for anything that ever happened in computing.

MS is proof that a good business model is better than a good product.

For a while . . .

Watch as Vista and Blackcomb expose the limitations of this approach.

Too bad Linux is being babysat by retards who've turned Linux into something resembling what Homer had in the Simpsons episode where he mixes a giant wad of cotton candy with caramel and lives with it day-in and day-out until it tells him to kill Marge.

Maybe Sun or the more recent incarnation of BeOS will jump in there and steal some market share.

Better yet, maybe Apple's x86 version of OS X, the Darwin branch, will finally be licensed to third party vendors! Haha! That would be gorgeous.

I crave the day I can run OSX on an Athlon 64. But, I also know that Apple is being run by closed-minded perverts. Therefore, I offer no hope until I see it done.

It will be interesting to see if Vista overtakes XP, much as XP overtook 98, or if Vista becomes the next ME, a glittering badge of stupidity for people dumb enough to believe it was actually better than 98.

It's hard to feel good about America when this is what passes for "presidential".

Christ. This idiot makes the strangest expressions for a man who could have the entire planet turned to beeded glass in about 45 minutes.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_hamster

Save the super hamster!!!

Please?! Will someone think of the super hamsters?

I can't breakdance. I don't have a mullet. I didn't vote for Reagan. Not once did I do cocaine.

Barf the Mog feels he was iconified in the wrong decade.

Barf the mog hates plagiarism.

That's why Barf believes George Lucas should be shot. Years after Spaceballs was made, Star Wars Episode I stole a plot point. Yes, that's right: Star Wars stole from Spaceballs, not the other way around.

Don't believe me? Consider this:

From Spaceballs: "You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!"

That same plot point is used in Phantom Menace, when Queen Amadala's double is captured (played by the breast-deprived Keira Knightley).

Hahaha. That's fine.

What I don't understand is why Episode III needed to steal the megamaid, also. Didn't they already have some super killer machine?

Go figure. Not as bad though as when in Episode II the clone soldiers are combing the desert with a gigantic novelty comb.

Sad, really. It's bad enough Lucas ruins his own work; why ruin others'?

Call the surrender monkey hotline today at 1.800.I.SURRENDER.

I am Barf, the Mog. See the image below.



I suppose the first question to be addressed is, should a Mog blogging have a term for it, like video blogging be called a vlog.

The answer is: not really.

A "mlog" sounds like something I left in the toilet. I once left a mlog in a toilet, and the toilet didn't work for two weeks after that.

So, if you need to deal with the whole Mog blogging thing, call it that.

For the forseeable future, My Brain is Turning to Goo will feature occassional guest blogger Barf, the Mog.

You may recall Barf from the feature film Spaceballs.

If not, then fuck you.

I gotta quit using Yahoo. These ads are annoying as shit.


Funny, tho. I was reading the Arab English-language version of Yahoo and came across this version:



Apparently marketing is a universal language. And, if we haven't learned anything else, it has to be that pussy sells the world round. Even if you put a goddamned drop cloth on it and tell it that it counts as one half of a human being.

I think I finally figured out why black pro athletes NEVER smile!

Consider the following:



Now just try to get past the fact that this bitch is actually trying to catch her best light while at a press conference where he husband admits he indiscriminately bones pretty much anything that has a hole and a consistent temperature between 90 and 105 degrees F.

Look at the water bottle. Look at the label, turned out to ensure that the label is clearly read when a photo is taken from the best angle.

Now, in an ideal world, the picture on the right would be no big deal. Everyone would shrug, and say, "Sure, Al Martin is just a lovable guy, and goddammit he deserves all the hot Latina pussy and bottled water endorsements he can get."

But, that ain't how it works, bub.

The fact becomes abundantly clear when comparing these two images: black athletes don't smile because they're afraid they'll look like Al Martin . . .

No Aquafina endorsement for the damamged kid. No hot Latina pussy. Nothing.

Al Martin got to be considered a good contributor on a bad baseball team. Kobe Bryant gets to be considered a superstar on a team that won multiple championships.

Black athletes simply can't risk smiling, for fear they'll look like someone's mentally retarded brother.

Sure, it doesn't explain why black people can't swim (ever seen a black person in the Olympic swimming competitions?). Then again, that's an easy one: have you seen the water in Africa? Yeah. No one would swim in that shit. So, evolution just stole the swimming gene from black folks.

But, let me say it today: we as a people -- people of the whole human race -- have a goal. A goal bigger than putting a man on the moon.

We must, within twenty years, put a black man on the medal stand for swimming at the Olympics.

And when he receives that medal -- even if it is just a fucking bronze medal, you picky, non-supportive fucks -- he's gonna have a big, dumb grin, that looks a lot like this:

Wow. Al Martin's picture from All Star Baseball 2001.

Either Acclaim Sports is full of funny motherfuckers, or quality control there is shit.

Anything that starts with Bjork and Good Charlotte is a doomed enterprise.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050702/ap_on_en_mu/live8

1. "Live 8" is a really dumb name. I know it refers to the G8. But G8 says says gansta rap group (cuase my nigga Prime Minista Koizumi said) . Live 8 says you're tryin' a little too hard to liaise the image of Live Aid with this. Dandy, I suppose, but those were different times.

2. Will all the famous, unaccountable people just please go the fuck away.

3. Don't bet on fixing Africa. If you want to send anything to Africa, send guns. Shitloads of guns, to support every revolution in every country that is currently under a dictatorship that pisses away all the aid America, Europe, and Japan send anyhow.

4. Read number 3, and also consider the possibility of cutting off every dictatorship in Africa.

5. Plan B: stop giving a fuck, and start working on developing African resources such as oil.

To be completely square, there can't be that many people left in Africa to die these days anyhow. Accounting for the fact that easily half of sub-Saharan Africa's population lives in Nigeria or South Africa, the majority of Africans in fact do have some access to a half-tolerable standard of living.

The rest . . . well, they should be a fucking hardy breed by now. Given that Africa's standard of living has plummeted like a stone tossed in the ocean since the end of colonialism, 40-50 years per country of unmitigated hell has to have killed the weak.

http://www.thevoiceofreason.com/2005/06/MariaSharapovaScreamRingTone.htm

This would be funny as shit to sneak onto someone's phone when they're out of the room.

BTW -- I hate cell phones. Yes, that means I hate you.

I like rotary phones. Rotary phones are bad ass, and they're hard to come by. We had a rotary phone when I was a kid, and I used to like sticking my finger in the holes.

Yes, I said that. And, yes, it is much the same pleasure you derive from sticking your finger into any other hole, only you don't have to sweat whether the phone is going to close it's legs up tight and grumble for you to stop so it can get some fucking sleep.

Please read this quote:


Um . . . God, I fucking hate Billy Corgan. Come to think of it, I fucking most of the rotten fruit of modern so-called music.

The Smashing Pumpkins were "dangerous"? Says the fuck who?! Puh-lease. And what's more dangerous than identifying "not dangerous" as being "gingerbread cookies"?

If the term "gingerbread cookies" is part of the active vocabulary that you use to define yourself against, you're probably not a dangerous person.

If you have to say it, it ain't true. Trust me on that. Mike Tyson doesn't run around calling himself dangerous -- indeed, quite the opposite. Mike Tyson is a retarded killer, stuck with the mentality of a three yeard old, and fighting skills of a six year old. Although, in fairness, that's a different ball of annoying bullshit.

What also bothers me is this pretentious group of writers/fuckheads who lend credence to the shit mooks like Billy Corgan say. Every fucking one of these morons fancies himself a poet, and these stars/douches know it and play up to it.

To even joke that The Smashing Pumpkins were "dangerous" is to diminish the term.

Drinking the fucking water in Malawi is dangerous, you slobbering dumbfucks.

An anger-free weekend? Jeez. The worst thing that happened this weekend was chasing after a broken down car. It was a short chase. So much for a stern chase being a long chase.

I didn't watch any new movies. Just the Terminal, which is an OK flick. I like the Hindu character, Gupta. He reminds me of a math professor who everyone liked in college.

Here's a picture:



A little glurgish orange gooish. But, hey, at least it had an actual story arc. Anymore, the bare indication of planning makes a movie look like fucking Citizen Kane. I know . . . I ghost wrote the movie adaptation for Harriet the Spy. As Harriet the Spy is apparently over-qualified for the FBI or the CIA these days, I think I did a great job. Obviously, she's in a hard niche as a pale-skinned, redhead, female Mossad agent, but they do industrial espionage in Europe and North America, too.

Orange goo . . . is there anything wrong with orange goo? Not if done well. To be honest, for as bad as orange goo can get it still can't hold a candle to how bad faux snake-bitten films get. Pay It Forward ruined my reason to masturbate to Helen Hunt, who I've always liked for being a classical beauty. Understand: I don't think of YOU when I beat off, OK? Dig? Don't judge what my hand and my mind do in collusion. But Crazy/Beautiful . . . there's a lump of a recently vomited cat hairball.

[NOTE -- For the record, why is the creepy girl from Interview with the Vampire supposed to be sexy? Kristin Dunst's fucking creepier as a normal sex icon than she was as a ten-year metaphor for a sex act. How fucking weird is that? I guarantee Toby Maguire enjoyed making Cider House Rules (Charlize Theron) more than he did Spider-Man.]

In the tale of the tape, orange goo wins.

I would say the same in the cable deathmath between, say, Dead Like Me and Six Feet Under. Orange goo wins. It's not always wrong for characters to improve themselves or feel better or become better or just to not staple the skins of dead fat women onto their bodies. The only reason orange goo goes wrong is for the same reasons balls-to-the-wall mean goes wrong: piss poor writing.

I suspect that in gross weight, the tonnage of failed "mean" movies could easily sink a garbage barge, while failed "nice" movies would probably keep a garbage barge of comparable dimensions afloat.

Frankly, nice is a lot easier to trudge through when it fails to suceed than is mean. If you don't believe me, go back and watch Anaconda or the Passion of the McChrist®. Then go watch Swamp Thing and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcolor. Then, go watch them again . . . stoned, or inspired by love, or while punching your girlfriend in the head, or with your hand in a hunny pot, or whatever the fuck gets you high. One pairing is a buzz kill. The other will keep you hummin'.

While I'm an unlikely candidate for the orange goo express train, I simply bow before the might of stastics that exist in the ether of my bullshit.

http://www.aboho.com/

Not a single aborigine prostitute. Dammit!

This is not a world for a man with distinct tastes.

Now Dick Cheney AND Porter Goss know where bin Laden is.

What makes this interesting is that Goss last week basically said that they know exactly where bin Laden is, but that considerations for the country where he make it impossible to go get him.

Hmm . . . Let's ponder this a minute. Consider the countries where he could be:

1. Afghanistan. No brainer. Go get him. Call it that. So he ain't there.

2. Uzbekistan, Kyrghyzstan, Turkmenistan, rest of central Asia. Couldn't stop us if they wanted to.

3. Pakistan. Would be glad for OBL to be gone. Might go get him themselves. US commandoes operate there anyhow.

4. Indian Kashmir. Well, fuck, India would be plain giddy to go get bin Laden.

5. Iran. The Bushies wouldn't pass up the chance to accuse Iran of harboring OBL.

6. Russia. Putin would be even happier than the Indian gov't to hand OBL over to the US on a silver platter.

That leaves two places: Saudi Arabia or China.

Saudi Arabia makes too much sense. Likewise, the Saudis would be tempted to tip us and OBL off at the same time to make him flee and then stand there going, "Oopsies!" The Saudis I don't think could long stand bin Laden's presence anyhow, since it would make them look like shit as rumor got out that he was there. It would exist as a threat to the Saud family's authority. Eventually, al-Qaeda would establish itself as a parallel government. The Sauds are jealous and mean rulers. Don't bet on them tolerating any threat too long.

The old conspiracy theory is that OBL is in Xinjiang, the Muslim NW frontier of China. Interestingly, terror attacks in Xinjiang have fallen off since OBL fled Afghanistan. This, IMO, is the most likely place OBL is. I believe he is in Xinjiang with the tacit approval of the Chinese government.

Why?

Because China is the only country that the US would not even venture a small CIA or commando op into. China is the one country that America would be afraid of even public humiliating as the harborer of bin Laden. BEtween the economic and military fears regarding China, the United States would want no part of the Chinese, even if it meant avenging the worst foreign attack on US soil ever.

Plus, it's the kind of snippy, miserable "fuck you" that is typical of Chinese policy. The Chinese love to fuck with their enemies. The main goal of any Chinese policy is to breed crippling uncertainty in the efforts of all who oppose them.

Harboring bin Laden would certainly serve this purpose.

The Chinese have nothing to lose and everything to gain. A long-term US defeat in the Middle East is an essential next step in China's economic expansion. The Chinese want unmitigated access to Middle Eastern oil. A militarily defeated US could no longer project power in the Middle East, leaving China in the strongest position of any international power.

China's long-term goal is to build overland pipelines through central Asia. This is one of the goals behind the efforts to acquire Unocal, which already controls a number of overland pipelines in the region. Likewise, overland pipelines would bring oil to China through countries that are easier to influence than those on the sea lanes (since the Indian Ocean is dominated by US and Indian naval airpower). It would negate US warplans that focus on fighting a coastal war with China, by forcing the US into a fight in central Asia.

It is an audacious plan. A plan so audacious, in fact, that only China would be willing to get into. The Chinese love their proxy wars, and it suits them to watch the US wane in years of warfare in the Middle East.

Which, brings us back to why is it very possible that China is harboring al-Qaeda leaders.

The Chinese could care less who runs the Middle East or Central Asia, just as long as they deliver the goods. Likewise, al-Qaeda isn't going to bat an eyelash at using the Chinese to defeat the Americans, just as the mujihideen didn't flinch at using the Americans to defeat the Soviets.

Al-Qaeda has become expert at playing the middle in the superpower grand game.

There is little reason to believe they aren't doing it right now.

Let's face up to this, America: sports is making a lot of perfectly dumb people queer.

How many times must I hear about good tight ends? Running backs who are fabulous at squirting up the middle? Power forwards who like to bang with the big men?

And now this?

This is the single most homoerotic thing I've ever heard from the sporting world that didn't come from what's left of John Madden's brain.

I finally caught a brilliant movie! Christ, it's been so long I have no idea what to really say.

Well . . . who, what, where, when, why, and how, and who's on first, right?

The movie is "The Machinist". What I can say will pale compared to an image. So, here ya go:



This, BTW, is Christian Bale, the new Batman.

Whatever you might think of this film, it takes balls for an actor to do anything like this! Every other actor who claims to be dedicated to their craft is a pretentious ass-licker next to Christian Bale.

The movie itself is pretty standard plot: insomniac thinks he killed someone. What makes the movie brilliant is its execution. It takes so many standard things and does them to an unparalleled level of excellence.

First off, the movie at times seems exactly like a Hitchcock film. No question if Hitchcock hadn't lived in times with such social moorings, he would have a made a movie just like The Machinist. Right down to the mother-whore complex, The Machinist is downright Hitchcock at his best.

Second, the timing and the drawn out sense of misery recall the very best of Dostoyevsky novels (indeed, there is a shout-out to Fyodor sitting on the machinist's coffee table).

Also, the movie has incredible comedic timing. You'll see this early on as the Bale tries to dispose of a body, and never really gets it done.

In some ways, this movie is the inverse of Memento. Where Memento had a great plot and a great way of telling the story, but was caked in bad acting and half the cast from the Matrix, The Machinist takes a very simple plot and lets the acting and photography do the rest.

Likewise, I'd compare this to another movie: Saw. Saw was sold as this ultra-distrubing thriller, but in fact was just another fucking movie where uninvested characters piss us off into wanting to see them die. The Machinist is disturbing because it dwells on a likeable loser who is slowly killing himself. It is disturbing on levels that Saw never even joked about reaching for. It is all the more disturbing, because the character is very commonplace -- just a guy who goes to work.

And, in case this movie weren't indie enough for you: it cost $5 million to make and only earned $900,000. That's right, baby: they lost four million dollars and damn near killed a rising actor just to make a movie that dwells on emaciation. You gotta respect that.

Also, in light of my recent complaint about Keira Knightley's 10-year-old boy breasts, let me be the first to note that the titties in The Machinist are all excellent. Jennifer Jason Leigh's titties are getting better with age (early fourties, and her boobs look much better than they did in the gag-me-and-cut-my-eyes-out Single White Female). Also, Aitana Sánchez-Gijón is simply gorgeous. And, she has nice handful boobies, too.

It's been an interesting week of movie watching. Obviously, The Machinist represents the other end of the spectrum from King Arthur. It was underpromoted and lost audience appeal because it doesn't have a hero, no one saves the girl(s), no fluffy animals under anthropomorphic self-actualizations, and the sex is as wooden as the chicken you cooked last Saturday.

It's dark, moody, and makes you feel like a horrible, stupid klutz whose life is sprialing out of control. It exists on very normal, very real level.

None of the characters are sports writers or movie producers. Somehow, the Ray Romano/ Chili Palmer model just wouldn't get it done in this plot.

So . . . beware on a level of this movie. If you're looking forward to next week's very special episode of Seventh Heaven, co-starring Hillary Duff and Lindsey Lohan as bickering sisters who never leave the church long enough to get tanned, you'll probably hate The Machinist.

On the other hand, if you liked Memento, you'll love this movie.

What can I say?!

The truth is out. After years of everyone suspecting a cryptic motivation behind Pokemon, we now know what it is: Pokemon encourages children to kill police officers.

"Goddamit, Riggs! I got one week to retirement! Oh, look. A little kid with a Pickachu plush toy. How cute?"

"DUCK!"

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

One week until retirement. What excuse is there for this?

Thank God Congress is on the case. They save millions of police officers just like they saved Terri Schiavo.

[NOTE - This is an actual catch from Yahoo News. It has been edited in no way except for the circle and the swearing.]

This is important shit!!!

Why? Because something other than the TV said so. Apparently, the legion of tennis masturbators gives a fuck about this.

Let me frame this properly: the story about Maria Sharapova is not that she's some pretty, dainty little piece of fuckability. Let's learn to separate our goddamned sports and our porn. At least in the only sport where women draw slightly better rating than the men (even if this is because male tennis players exist in a ether between queer, straight, and non-existent).

Maria Sharapova's achievement is that she's the first tennis poster whore to actually be any good at the fucking sport!

Anna Kournokova (sp?) was a useless lump save for masturbation. But, since the Internation Modeling Guild requires that all women photographed under a height of 5'10" be able to do something other than wear makeup and eat like veal being raised for slaughter, Anna K pretended to be a tennis star, despite showing as much talent for the sport as the average C++ or Java programmer.

It's a fucked up rule, and it is wrong.

Worse, it encourages the notion that somehow some teenie bopper from Russia wearing gold shoes is as important as vote-rigging in the world's largest Islamic republic.

Also, let's face fact. No one publishes jackshit about the 700 or so pro female tennis players who's face are cut so rough you could cut them open, core them, and use them for grinding aboriginal medicines.

And, fuck Sharapova. Michael Johnson did gold shoes before it was cool. Johnson actually made an official comment, "Eat the corn out of my shit, you flash-in-the-pan bitch. The War on Terrorism is now officially longer than US involvement in WWII, and we're supposed to worry about some Russian child molestation fantasy flopping about in nifty shoes."

Get it?

John McCain really looks like an out-of-touch douche these days.

It's hard to believe that five years ago, I would have done anything in my power to vote for this guy. I made the mistake of watching Meet the Press this morning (thus violating my NFL/DVD policy toward the television . . . Sabado Gigante doesn't count as TV in the traditional sense).

The first thing that struck me as McCain talked to Tim Russert was how little of a maverick this guy is anymore. There was a time when I thought McCain might actually ride into the Senate floor on horseback and have the horse just start kicking people in the chest for shits and grins.

The one question that really slapped me was when Russert asked him about an ancient statement McCain made about Scalia being his model Supreme Court justice.

Now, five years ago, there was no reason to look poorly on that view. Scalia was once a very intelligent advocate for limited government. Not anymore. These days Scalia is just another shill for McJesus, Inc and their quest for Christ-driven distractions (Schiavo?) that make people ignore the current administration's affinity for selling the entire government in a reverse auction.

As a moderate-to-conservative who supports basic socialism and reasonable libertarianism, I've never felt very at home with any American politician. Labor conservatives have a tough road as it is, because liberals long ago co-opted the labor movement to be their bitch. Libertarians might as well forget it, because the great American passtime isn't baseball: it's fucking with other people's lives and acting self-righteous when the squack and cry foul.

On the other hand, there is no room in the Republican party for anyone who thinks social responsibility matters. The current administration's concept of social debate is between Ayn Rand and social Darwinism. These are people that wouldn't eat the poor, because then they might become poor.

Poor John McCain is clearly being bullied by the conventional wisdom. Otherwise, he would have called Scalia out on his recent bullshit.

Scalia's role in the medical marajuana case was absurd. It proves how devoid he now is of any real philosophy or principle. To say that the fed has a right to arrest medical marajuana users in states where it is legal is bullshit. Scalia, as an old-school state's rights advocate, should definitely know better.

But, Scalia, like much of the right-wing in America, has been corrupted by power. A lot of great ideas disappeared between 2000 and 2004, as the Republicans went from a model of limited government to a belief in "Hooray for me, and fuck you!"

Even Reagan on his worst days tried -- poorly -- to limit the scope of government. Obviously, Reagan was torn between the general problem of conducting the Cold War and forwarding American conservativism. He fell down on the side of the common defense, as all presidents eventually do.

Bush, on the other hand, hasn't done shit in terms of traditional American conservative values. He has expanded government at a pace that would have made late 60s university liberals cum all over their laps. He has moved conservativism from the traditional values of rugged individualism toward a more Latin American style of social reaction. Instead of limiting government interference, he's expanding government interference to the point you can't even die in peace without some prick from the state telling you when you're allowed to die.

Whatever happened to giving unto Caesar that which is his?

Since when do Christians want to be Caesar?

John McCain thinks he's going to become president by buying into this crap. He won't. Quite the opposite.

For a bunch of fakes, the McJesus, Inc zombie army can spot fakers from a mile away. You have to be their kind of fake. That's what makes Bush so beautiful. You can't bullshit a bullshitter.

Everyone of these dumb tralier hicks identifies with Bush. Bush was a young fuck-up who pissed away opportunities most of us would actually kill actual human being with actual beating hearts and actual lives and dreams to have. Then he finds Jesus, and we're all supposed to just accept that. Trailer trash likes that, because that's the story arc of their wasted lives and their conversion to Christ.

Fuck that. There should be a limit on finding Christ. Jesus only got 30 years to get his shit done. What's your fucking excuse, lazy pricks?

Revelations says that there will be many on the Day of Judgment who plead that they know God. And what will God tell them? "Go fuck yourself, chump. I don't know you."

I find it hard to believe that Bush and pretty much any of the Terri Schiavo chickenhawks (you know, the one's that kept saying they were going to storm the hospice, but never had enough man juice in their sacks to do it) fall into this category.

The Christian God is a pretty mean fucker if you read the Bible. He does a lot of shit to put people in their place. He's short on forgiveness and long on suffering.

Ask Job.

Somehow, I doubt John McCain's take to pretend he cares about the McJesus Inc lobby is going to mean anything.

I think my cat is bulemic.

He eats a ton of cat food, and then turns around and throws it up. I've had to limit his eating to make sure he keeps the food down.

Even then, I think he keeps it down only because he's knows I'm watching.

I'm going to rip out my eyes and throw them at Bill Gates.

Why?

P3P . . . what is that? P3P is a privacy protocol built into Internet Explorer 6 that requires your website, in order to send cookies, have a privacy document set aside if you use any sort of frames and cookies at the same time.

Sure, the anti-frame lobby will tell me to eat shit. Fuck them. IFRAME and top-level framing are handy ways to quickly repurpose data. I don't always feel like using PHP. Sometime I don't have the necessary access to make good use of PHP anyhow.

The dumb thing with P3P is that the p3p.xml document doesn't have any force or any legitimacy. If you want to lie or go around the end user, oh well.

Besides, who ever reads the privacy document from a website?

Right. I bet you do. Liar.

Microsoft always seems to find a way to fuck things up just teeny little bit. The version of IE6 that comes with XP SP2 is far and away the most usable version of IE ever.

On the other hand, these token measures are supposed to do what?

Trust me. Pop-up blocking was a good step.

Easy Firefox-like access to all the permissions for blocking JS, Java, cookies, etc. would be much more useful.

And, frankly, I've made a good living off morons that can't secure their browsers. Why does Microsoft undercut small computer business by trying to empower morons? Let them get overrun by viruses.

Then they'll switch to Mac, an OS that prevents viruses by doing utterly nothing of interest or use. Since the only thing you can do on a Mac is run Photoshop, why care?

At some point, users will want to run something other than Photoshop. "Oh, mommy! Our computer is more lame than a leper colony in a wrestling ring! I wanna play a game that isn't six years old!" Then they'll have to put Mac's Photoshop OS away and reload Microsoft's actually decent Windows XP (which, if you just strip half the running services away, is a good damned OS).

If MS would develop a sense of minimalism, they'd be surprised.

Stripped down, XP is a great OS (because, stripped down, XP is just 2000 Pro SP4). If you run a stripped down browser like Firefox, it is even better.

But, eventually, you'll run MS Office. And that fucking paper clip will jump up and down like Texas cheerleading slut trying to pep up all the good ol' boys before their ritual race war on astroturf.

And then you'll want to rip out your eyes and throw them at Bill Gates. Again.

Hopefully, stem cell research will have advanced to the point you can do that several times a week.

Thought and effort have completely died.

I know this because I watched a movie. What was the movie? King Arthur. I'm bored. It's been a thin year for movie rentals. And I'm scraping wood off the bottom of the barrel to turn this one up.

The last "Oh my god, that's genuinely great film!" I saw was "In America". Everything since has been mediocre to fucking pig slop. And by fucking pig slop, I mean the slop produced by pigs fucking.

But, then I had the privelege of watching the brain-numbingly bad King Arthur. Now, I could be a bit off, but it never struck me you could fuck the Arthurian legends up. Hah! Double-hah.

The easiest way, as I discovered, was to simply forget them. The closest comparison I can find is "The Running Man". If you ever read the Bachman book, you know it was a cute little treat of a brave new world turned terribly dumb. If you ever watched the movie, it was probably the first time you suspected that Arnold Schwarzennegger (sp?!) was as queer as a man with a fiddle at a Destiny's Child concert (the queerness being the inclination toward actual music).

King Arthur was that sort of "So . . . let's use the title and gut everything else" script.

For one, my brain ratcheted right away. Movies that open with narrators are usually shit. Especially if the narrator speaks for more than three minutes.

Also, the movie pretty clearly tries to rip-off Braveheart. It starts out with the heroes as kids. Which was cool in Braveheart . . . because . . . well . . . because Braveheart wasn't done by Jerry Bruck-hymen, who might as well have takn a piss on the graves at Pearl Harb . . . oh, wait. He did do that.

By the 58th utterance of the word freedom, King Arthur devolves into a pretty piss-poorly targeted film. Why? Becuase it also posits itself as fairly anti-Christian, with jokes mocking the validity of prayer.

Now, I'm not keen on religion, but I've known folks that it was the only board they had to cling to in the whole ocean. If it keeps you afloat, then go do it.

And somehow, I doubt the anti-Jesus, pro-freedom demographics meet on any Venn diagrams ever made.

So, freedom. Freedom. Kill a few people. Utter the fucking word freedom again. Come to think of it, the freedom speech was the gayest part of Braveheart.

Lazy ass pandering fucks. You can't sell a movie in the South with the word freedom in it. Banjoes work better. I know. I saw "A Mighty Wind" while in Virginia, and the place was packed like a girl's school showing of Titanic 2: Jack and Fat Girl Float to Unicorn Heaven.

Oh, well. I watched Braveheart in a dollar theatre, so I'm bound to think well of it. Plus, it at least had a McGuffen and a few decent light moments. Plus, Mel Gibson was clearly already thinking of that Jesus flick he later did. Blood and blood and blood.

But, what's really lame in King Arthur is that no one goes downduring the battles. It's like fucking kids playing cowboys and Indians. Bang-bang. I got you! No you didn't! Until the battle ends, it's kind of like watching the old GI Joe cartoons!

And the dialogue is atrocious. Mostly it involves uttering the word freedom.

Also, I'm not a titty boy, but Keira Knightley (sp? like I give a fuck) is the most titless woman to ever amble about on this earth. She looks like a fucking Far Eastern eunuch, not a fucking woman. I suspect that Michael Jackson is deeply jealous.

Come to think of it, there's another thing Braveheart did that kicked a dsitch where King Arthur's face used to be. Sophie Marceau has tits. Not obnoxiously huge tits. But tits that are reporting for duty. The kind of tits you could nuzzle for hours well after getting your rocket off. And she had a trunk. Trunk space on a celebrity uterus donor is important. I want kids that look like they're standing on Wilt Chamberlain's head. Narrow hips aren't gonna do that.

I don't find huge jugs attractive. However, I like some evidence that the offsprings that my stalking-rape-eventual-marriage of any celebrity may produce will at least be able to breast feed twice a day. Goddamned kid can't live on Similac and Gerber! I don't want my rape-produced celebrity bastards to come out all tiny and gnarled and gimpy.

How will they get their freedom? Not all mangled and pussy-like because their mother's tits were deficient to the point of potential maleness.

King Arthur . . . that movie sucked. And Keira Knightley should be court-ordered to get some hormone therapy. Girls need role-models. Female role-models can't be role-models without decent tits. And a big trunks.

And freedom.

I fucking hate Fedex.

Why?

Ah. They never find my house, and they never make the pretense of trying to find out. UPS shouldn't even advertise. They should simply start a service where they find out where the fuck FedEx dropped your package, and then cart the goddamned thing to where it really belongs.

The fucking package even had my phone number on it. But, the old bat who moved into the house below told them I moved half way across the country.

Why the fuck would a package come FedEx for me if I moved? Mail, I get. Some cocksucker at Adelphia will be sending me deaththreats the day after I die because I still refuse to pay that bill. Cocksuckers. Don't give me three different bill amounts and three different dates and then treat me like shit on the phone.

But, Adelphia's a whole other ball of wax. And if you haven't gotten the fuck away from them, then you're probably a goddamned sheep to the slaughter anyhow.

Then a couple months ago, the dumb fuckers decided to drop the package at a street address that sure as hell wasn't mine. The number didn't even completely match!

And of course my homeboys at Airborne. They left my computer part to bake in the sun at an abandoned house. And apparently the vacant home got a secretary according to the tracking info.

Lazy fucks.

Why is my brain turning to goo?

I'm pretty damned sure why. It's culture. Or what passes for culture. Perhaps I shouldn't say that, given the fucking rotten watermelon rind pig slop that the fuck faces who command supposed actual culture feed on. After all, we're talking about people who continue to tell me that Maya Angelou is the Second Christ or whatever the fuck.

I've tried to divorce myself from this shit. I only watch TV long enough to watch football. And even that's beginning to piss me off, as the wankers try to turn it into the WWF. Frankly, I don't give a fuck what Terrell Owens does. He can rape aborted fetuses as long as he catches footballs. All I want to do is watch racially-charged violence be committed for my entertainment.

Come to think of it, that's when I stopped watching the news. Right about the time the news became nothing but the story of what some dumb pretty white bitch got her fucking ass cut open this week. This cunt in Aruba . . . ?

Let me tell you a little statistic. The easiest way to die anywhere on this planet is to be out drinking after midnight. The majority of malicious deaths on this earth are alcohol related and take place after midnight.

Why?

Because think about what kind of people are pining for some blonde slut at 2 am?

1. They sure as fuck don't work.

2. They could find a piece of ass before 11 pm.

So, odds are you're going to find an unemployed loser who no one will fuck. In a bar. He's so unemployed he doesn't even make the pretenses of employment: job search, attempt to work for himself, etc.

Fuck no. At 2 am, all he has time to do is drink. And that probably means he's a tad the fuck off. By 2 am, the least you should do is find a fucking party to go to.

This is why my brain is turning to goo. The human race is so fucking dumb that some days I feel like getting a degree in biology or chemistry so I can start engineering a plague to whipes these shit-eating pigs out.

But . . . why try?

Odds are all you'd do is creating stronger, filthier breed of pigs that crave radioactive shit.